Beautiful Things We are Forgetting from East Asia
“BTS effect” is not representative of the entirety of Korean culture. There’s an unseen elegance within the culture that is being forgotten and slowly fading away.
A few weeks ago, I visited my Japanese high school friend, Eri, completing her 3rd year Ph.D. in Boston over a weekend.
I took a Greyhound bus from New York to Boston. When I arrived at the South Station in Cambridge, my friend was already waiting for me, 25 minutes away from her apartment. She handed me her metro card over the fence for me to swipe in.
This reminded me of my visit to my good friend from college, who is Chinese, completing her 1st year Ph.D. in Palo Alto a few years ago. When my aunt dropped me off at my friend’s apartment, she was already standing outside, waiting for my arrival. As I get off the car, she eagerly rushed me, embracing me in a warm hug.
Another good friend of mine, who is Korean, used to live in Upper West Side. Whenever she comes to hang out with me in Upper East Side, she takes the cross-town bus. When she leaves, I wait for her bus at the bus stop together, watch her until she boards and sits down, and see the bus door closes and fully leave. She did the same when I visited her in Upper West Side.
Of course, not all Asians wait for each other like this. I witness this more with families who value manners and respect. But my recent visit to Boston had me realize what I’ve forgotten in New York City in modern times. Hustles and bustles make us greedy with time and impatient with waiting.
Something equivalent of this act in New York would be waiting for a friend’s subway. However, one does not wait until the train door closes. My standard of waiting is on the platform until the door closes and the train fully leaves. Not as soon as I get on the train. I could be a sassy queen. It makes me feel like he has been anticipating my leave, in which the notion is different from ‘I care you.’
With North American friends, coming to greet or waiting for departure usually never happens, unless they have a car. It is my full responsibility to arrive at my destination at my own cost. A proper greeting for a visitor or send-off is not part of the culture.
There are a few things that westerners might not be aware of—waiting for others to arrive at the dinner table—waiting for the eldest to start and finish—receiving gifts with “both” hands, not one. Eating first would be considered selfish. Perhaps the notion embraces the old proverb from another old-world, Africa, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.”
I remember, my mother often told me, when my grandparents get in the car to leave, we have to watch them leave until their car fully disappears from our sight. At first, I was impatient with the few seconds of extra waiting. But these few seconds make a huge difference in our moral quality. It shapes our character to become a well-mannered and patient one. A well-raised, proper family. The way we treat each other mirrors our character.
I remember, my grandma once told me, back in the days when my mom was young, when my grandfather got back from work, she educated her children (my mother, aunts/uncles) to greet him by the door.
“Ding Dong”
The doorbell rings. It’s the sign that our grandfather just came back from his office. Then we all stop what we are doing and head to the entrance to acknowledge his return. “잘 다녀 오셨어요?” (Literal translation: “Did you come back okay?”)
It would be considered impolite if we, as younger people, don’t acknowledge his return and continue to do whatever we do. Of course, this is not always the most productivity-optimized activity. And I recognize our notions and mannerism are changing with time.
Nowadays, I see a lot of news articles about the “BTS effect.” The impact of K-pop on the economy. While I am not an expert on the BTS effect, I do not believe it exemplifies the depth of Korean culture. The BTS effect is prominent in mass media. As a result, the quest for understanding something deeper from fundamental human interactions is stopped there. Certainly, there has been an increase in tourism and a positive effect on the economy. However, one aspect I believe is overlooked in Korean culture is its unique morality. Travel columns talk a lot about “culture” in terms of food and music. Another key missing aspect is etiquette.
Asian heritage month was two months ago, and I thought about this differently today, after my interaction with Eri. Many people reflected on what it means to be Asian and celebrated the presence of Asian Americans in media. However, what it means to be Asian is embracing the good human nature I was taught when I was young. The respect we give to one another. The fundamental spirit of respecting other characters.
Whenever I come to visit my grandparents in the Philippines, they will always be waiting for us by the gate. I am sometimes amazed by how well they find the right gate. It has been a tradition in our family for the past few decades, with relatives all over the globe.
Coming back to New York City from Boston, Eri and I stopped by a dumpling restaurant in Chinatown for a quick lunch. Then we headed to my bus stop. While I went to the bathroom, she headed to my gate first to wait in line for me to save time. She watches me until I fully leave.
Coming back to New York City from Palo Alto, my Chinese friend drops me off at SFO, despite it being half an hour away from her campus, amidst her busy and stressful academic life. She watches me until I enter my gate.
This is not that we have too much time. This is a way of showing, ‘I care about you.’ I care that you are safe in your journey and I will look out for you in my sight as long as I can.
If we should remember good things about East Asia that are almost being forgotten, it would be the sense of embracing good manners. Stop being greedy with time. It doesn’t make us more successful people. It makes us a better person when we care for others. Mannerism is something that makes us beyond nice. Demeanor is what makes us genuinely charming.
